I recently reread “The Vampire Lestat” and thought it was complete ass on the second go round. However, it had many things that the current popular vampire series completely lacks, such as plots that make sense, halfway decent writing, and a complete lack of glitter.
1. Bad Writing
While most English majors would argue that most bestselling fiction is poorly written, I would be the exception to that rule. I find clear, concise writing that people actually read to be more valuable and worthy than expertly crafted metaphors that nobody will understand. Yes, Ulysses by James Joyce is a masterwork. Will anyone else but a lit freak appreciate it? Probably not.
Starting from the point that I think Stephen King is awesome, sweet Jesus on a Popsicle stick, the writing in Twilight is godawful. I mean barfingly awful. I mean so horrid that I wouldn’t wipe my ass with it for fear that it would give me literary AIDS. Holy fucking shit.
2. Weak Female Lead
While I get that Bella was supposed to be an everywoman that every horny teenage girl could identify with, damn that girl was one weak lady. There’s been enough said on this on other sites that I won’t go on about it, but Twilight’s Bella makes the happy hooker in Pretty Woman look like Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3 – the one where she shaves her head and jokes with hardened prisoners.
3. Bella Spends Entire Movie Needing a Ventolin Mask
The amount of hyperventilation, breath-catching and cut-off words coming out of that actress should have seen Edward flying her to emergency to be seen by a respiratory technician, not inviting the obviously sick Bella out to play fucking baseball.
4. Sparkling. Fucking. Vampires.
When I first heard that the vampires in Twilight glittered in the sunlight, I laughed for about a minute straight. Then the person who told me had to convince me that they weren’t joking. Then, I laughed harder. The movie reaches an orgasmic comedy point when Edward reveals his sparkly boy-chest, especially since someone in the world is supposed to think that his barely post-pubescent body is supposed to be made hotter through the use of glitter. Hey, dumbshits, the last time I saw gratuitous use of glitter on men, it was at a drag show in Toronto. Just saying. Which brings us to the next point…
5. Edward is Straight? For Real?
Um…. no. From my first look at young Robert’s impersonation of the doomed young vampire, my gaydar was klaxoning out of control. I can only imagine that Bella’s blood smells so good to him because she’s been bathing in the pee of Adam Lambert, Brad Pitt, or whoever the boys are loving these days for the past ten years of her life. Their hormones have then seeped into her DNA, thus making her attractive to Edward.
6. Nobody Notices that We Live in a Freaking Mansion and Drive Impossibly Expensive Cars.
My parents grew up in a small town. If someone in that small town had the kind of amassed wealth that was evident in the Cullen compound, they would be the subject of endless town gossip. It wouldn’t matter how far back in the woods they lived, someone would notice the Mercedes SUV in the sea of Mercury Topazes and say “Hey, I wonder how those rich folks got all their money!”. Since vampires don’t seem to have powers of mass human persuasion in the Twilight world, there goes that explanation.
7. Fighting Involves Gyrating Like a Hooker About to Score Meth
Twilight’s vampires seem to have perfected a mode of Kung Fu known as “Sexy Fighting” in which they grind and gyrate like they are at a vampire bar while trying to kick the living snot out of their opponents. Which would be disarming if their opponents weren’t doing it too. I wasn’t really sure if Edward and the baddie at the end of the first movie weren’t going to kiss after hissing at each other and making snarling noises. In real life that would have totally happened.
I’ll come up with more, I’m sure, if I can manage to choke down the entire series. That is, if I want to devote precious hours of my life to complete brain rape.