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Archive for April, 2008

Sex And The City - Empowering Desperate Housewives Everywhere

As women today we have a host of opportunities for education and careers that our mothers couldn’t even really dream about. And yet, as showcased by the pablum that we continue to lap up, we would still prefer to work at a job doing nothing, wear fabulous clothes, and be “rescued” from single life by a fabulously rich guy that resembles a pit bull. If I were the heroine from that hit show, I would be asking:

What the hell is wrong with women today?

I constantly hear stories from my male friends about how shallow and demanding their girlfriends/wives/dates are. What has made us into this choir of shrieking banshees? Is there a gene in the female that needs to never be happy with what she has?

I will come right out and say it – we want our rights, but we don’t want to work. You have to admit that women had it pretty damn easy for years, when all they had to do was raise kids and make sure that a good meal was on the table. The world of “Desperate Housewives” is what the girls in “Sex In the City” aspire to, a perfect suburban dream where the majority of ladies do not work, but can bask in luxury daily.

This is the dream that we are being sold, that hardly ever becomes a reality. Even if it did, we should at the very least have an education and career to fall back on if things should go wrong, which often does happen in that rarefied world.

One more question I need to deal with - why did I even really care that the female characters in this show ended up to be simpering idiots (even Samantha, who is stricken with cancer in return for her strong female character decisions - thanks Republican script-writers!). Most likely because this show ultimately promised to be something different. In its first couple of seasons, it was. In the last season, we were taught how to attach ourselves to men, and how other men could save us from unsavory men that we attached ourselves too. Gey.

As kitschy as it is, most middle-aged guys would still much rather run off with a 20-year old in a hot sports car rather than stay with old Mum – this has happened to 2 people I know, and I imagine all of you out there with friends in the 35-45 age range have heard the same story.

What do we sacrifice for that dream? Frequently, ourselves. Basically, if you want to live in that world, you must train. You must at the very least get a degree so that you can make intelligent conversation at PTA or volunteer board meetings. Women who are fat or ugly should immediately take up a profession, as this dream is not for them. Basically, you must become a high class prostitute, because that is exactly what you are if you go for this lifestyle.

Now wait before you start screaming. I am writing here of people who aspire to this lifestyle rather than people who happened to fall into it – there are some very good relationships out there, I am sure, where the lady stays home and raises the kids, mostly because it doesn’t make any sense to pay daycare and/or a babysitter while she goes to work. No, I am speaking here only of those ladies who set out to net a man, dropping perfectly good men along the way, who can sustain them in this lifestyle.

One thing that I learned when I was dating was the richer the guy, the bigger the asshole, and the more perverse the needs. Not that I minded perversity, but I did mind the rude comments to waiters, the failure to do things for me like open doors (you can’t blame a girl for being a little old-fashioned), and a general lack of consideration or respect. This is because women are throwing themselves at these guys, and they can afford to be dicks and still get said member somewhat stinky. It got to the point where if I found out that the gentleman in question was a lawyer or some other high-sounding profession, I didn’t even want to bother with him.

However, most women would have killed to be me, having a shot at the “bigtime” of motherhood and a sustained lifestyle. That said, I return to the main question of what the hell is wrong with women. I said women today, because we have choices. Yes, we can actively choose to be well-rounded, caring people, instead of high-class hookers by another name.

Personally, if a guy walked up to me and offered me a carefree life of luxury, I would scream and run the other way. Why? Because I take pride in the fact that I am a successful individual, with my own needs and desires, that I will fulfill before even thinking about someone else’s. That’s not selfish – that just makes sense. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself in that kind of lifestyle anyway.

I am not saying that everyone should be as proud as I am. Sometimes a situation is too tasty to ignore, particularly if you happen to be in love with the guy in the bargain. However, you should always have something to fall back on. If you don’t have a degree, use his money to get one. If you find yourself washing lipstick off of collars (or more commonly, erasing chat logs of internet conversations), you can then quite glibly tell him to fuck off and find something and/or someone better for yourself. There is a saying that I read in one of those usually stupid inspirational passages that has stuck with me for life:

“plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers”.

Basically what this means is that we do not need someone else to validate our existence, unlike all of the characters in Sex And the City.

Posted: April 21st, 2008 under State of Women.
Comments: none

From Wiccan to Anti-Wiccan in Many Difficult Steps

I know - it’s a bit strange. Usually Wiccans who are ex- tend to “jump ship” as they are for the most part deeply religious people. I quit practicing because of Wiccan Fundamentalism and general personality disorders of other members of the community.

When I was in University, I was a casual member of a group that helped to combat cults on campus. These cults were for the most part Christian and preyed on international students. When I got out of University, I found a Wiccan group that I thought fit everything that I was looking for, and it really did at the time. High scholarly standards, good people, and a laid back, casual attitude about things like degrees and general ass-kissing of the priesthood. The latter is what really sold me on the group.

After the death of the primary leader (she would have hated to have herself referred to as Grand Poobah, even though she was) her spouse attempted to take over the group on his own, and did a number of things that were really out of keeping with the initial high standards of the group (ie he gave a student who was taking a first degree test a dedication test - and he didn’t know the difference). He also sought out a more “famous” profile in the public community than you are supposed to really keep up if you are a member/leader of a private group, and started hanging out with people who were really into having their egos stroked rather than actually teaching someone Craft.

He had started this process before her death, telling her that they would just be doing things once in a while. It was hardly that. They ended up being out at public events more than 4 times a month, much more than the amount that she had really committed too. I partially blame her death on this as she had numerous medical conditions that she really needed to pay attention to, rather than giving all of her energies to other people. I was frequently derided for bringing her home early, being a “doorstop” so that these people couldn’t get at her, and I got tired of it after a while and just stopped doing it.

Her funeral sickened me. Everyone there was talking about Wicca, what would happen to the public community now that she was gone, etc. Not very many people were actually mourning her. They were all just trying to position themselves as showing the most grief for her passing in some weird form of passion play in order to gain some kind of credence/status in the community. At one point, my partner offered to take her partner home, and was informed that he was in a high level discussion with a Third Degree Priestess and so was unavailable. What business did they have conducting this kind of discussion at a wake? Exactly.

I kept my books even though I no longer practice because I paid a fortune for them, and really am not quite ready to part with them yet (although I am selling off some of the crappier ones to make room in my new small place). Am I still Wiccan? Absolutely not. I would not identify with this group anymore just solely based on the fact that I have seen the worst of human nature, and it has all been displayed by Wiccans. All of the hippie principles of peace, love, an ye harm none, and all of that claptrap are only given lip service by the majority of Wiccans. When it actually comes to making good on any of these promises (ie doing things for people, helping people out, making sure that friends have the tools that they need to do well) I’ve only known one Wiccan who did this and she is dead. The rest are involved in some odd grown-up Dungeons & Dragons game that only they know the rules too.

Now I am sure that this article will make me the subject of derision by the rosy-eyed, new Wiccans who think that everything is peace and love. For you guys, I would say this. Make sure that the private group that you are looking to get involved with has been around for at least 5 years. Check that the coven leaders are financially viable and are not going to rely on membership for funds. Asking for coven dues for feasts, etc. is acceptable, asking members to cover your bills or always pay for your drinks/meals/nights out is not. I haven’t even begun to get into the financial problems that I experienced at the hands of these so-called spiritual leaders, and I think that would take away from the purpose of this article.

To go back to my experience with cults in University, I really have to identify not Wicca in general as a cult, but the community/group that I was part of as a cult. I even had a member tell me that if any of the financial issues went to court, I couldn’t bring up the fact that Wicca was a cult. I don’t know how much more proof I needed that that particular flavour of Wicca was indeed a cult than someone telling (not asking) me to not say that, ever, in a court of law. I was also told that it was against Wiccan law to bring another Wiccan “before the eyes of the law” on any matter whatsoever. I don’t know about these people, but one of the bonuses that I always found great about Wicca is that it HAS NO DOGMA. These people were basically making this crap up to try to keep me from asserting my rights over my own property and finances.

I was definitely “love-bombed” at first, drawn in and indoctrinated, and then taken advantage of personally and financially. All of these items make a cult. And yes, I was stupid enough to join it and get indoctrinated knowing everything that I knew about cults. In my defense, I have to say that when my friend who died was around it wasn’t so much like a cult, although her spouse definitely starting pointing it that way in the 2+ years leading up to her death and then went full bore at it after she was gone.

I think I still self-identify as Pagan to a certain scholarly extent rather than as a product of blind faith. I find it hard to give up belief in ancestral divinity and archetypes, but I think these qualify more as a psychological idea than as belief systems. To me Wicca is very much like Christianity - it has gotten so far away from the core beliefs and principles (which are few enough that it shouldn’t be too hard) that it can no longer represent itself as the same religion in most communities. If you have the perfect Wiccan coven and you have for years, wonderful. I suspect that you don’t though.

What really surprised me about my own personal situation was that people that I had considered true friends just automatically sided with the coven leaders, even knowing what they knew about what had transpired, and knowing and agreeing with me that it wasn’t right. My spouse has been threatened physically (not that he couldn’t defend himself but just illustrating a point), I have been portrayed as over the top crazy even though I was probably the most psychologically and financially stable person in the community, and other things besides that just make me sad to write about.

Would I go back to Wicca? No. Would I recommend Wicca? Frankly, no. Solitary practice, maybe, but even then you end up getting mixed up with some questionable people who you don’t need in your life. I have pretty much decided that any religion that involves any kind of group dynamic whatsoever is prone to fundamentalism and power-mongering. It is human nature, and yes, even the nature of Wiccans.

Just a word in advance about comments on this article - I won’t be publishing anything that consists of “Wika iz da funk, ewz is crezy :0″. If you have an intelligent rebuttal to this article, submit it as a comment and I will publish it and my response as a separate article. If you have your own stories to share, let me know and I’ll set you up as an author on my blog so that you can publish your own story about being an ex-anything to this blog directly.

Posted: April 18th, 2008 under Uncategorized, Wicca & Paganism.
Comments: 2

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Archive for April, 2008

Sex And The City - Empowering Desperate Housewives Everywhere

From Wiccan to Anti-Wiccan in Many Difficult Steps