When I was working in the corporate world, RRSP’s were the only tax break available to me. It was the only way that I could not pay tax for the year. I would rather put the money in an RRSP than give it to Revenue Canada, and that is how I justified it.

A couple of years ago, a family member was affected by new rules on income trusts put in place by the Canadian government by a party that is supposed to stand for no government controls on finances, except of course where it suits them. After this infraction, I will never again trust any retirement plan.

The problem is that the government will always see any accumulated nest egg as a potential source of taxation income. Those nest eggs get too tasty after a while. In my generation alone we’ve seen the introduction of RRIF’s, a secondary “wash” for your RRSP money so that the government can get more of a taste, and the elimination of income trusts. The bottom line is that I no longer trust the government when it comes to my retirement savings.

If you are employed full-time, start a part-time business. This will allow you to enjoy near-equivalent tax breaks to getting an RRSP. It will be more work and you may need an accountant to manage it, but it is perfectly legal. Talk to your accountant about other ways to save for retirement; there are much better ways than crappy mutual funds that you are forced to select as your only option when your money is locked into an RRSP.

Last week, I met with a hepatologist, or liver specialist. He had the pleasing news that my liver was functioning normally, but that I had to lose 20 lbs to keep it working that way. Right now, my liver enzyme levels are elevated over normal.

This has mostly to do with a lack of exercise. My diet has changed enough in the last year that I am no longer gaining weight, but I am not losing it either. Here are my realistic changes that I will be trying to stick to.

1. Do 20 Minutes of Non-Stationary Housework a Day
Putting away clothes, doing laundry, mopping, sweeping, scrubbing. All workouts, and all necessary to making my living and working environment look better. Dishes don’t count since I’m just standing in one place.

2. Do 10-30 Minutes of Wii Fit a Day
Even if it is a downer day, I’ll squeeze in 10 minutes of yoga.

3. Eat Breakfast
Not just cereal, but a proper and large breakfast with eggs involved somehow. Have spinach on hand so I can add it into my scrambled eggs or omelette for an iron boost.

4. Meat and Veg
Have fresh veggies, at least one, at each meal. Fruit throughout the day as a snack.

5. Salmon
At least once a week, and take fish oil in the morning to feel full.

The most important lifestyle pledges are obviously #1 and #2. Housework as exercise may seem like a copout, but something is always better than nothing. Fingers crossed that I’ll be down to a size 16 by the summer and a 14 by the fall. I managed to lose 5 pounds from November to now, so this goal is not out of sight.

I’ve been spending the last couple of years kicking myself in the brain for being involved in a fringe religion for most of my teen and adult life. The process of deprogramming myself has been somewhat painful and I finally reached a milestone last week when I packed up all of my old books, in three huge boxes, and am ready to give them away to someone.

One of my big questions to myself has been why, as an intelligent individual, I was involved with Wiccans for so long. The best answer I could come up with is that at every stage of the game except the last one, in which I had the misfortune of getting tangled up with really the lowest forms of humanity you can imagine, I had great friends who were good people who were also Wiccan.

Reconnecting with one of them on Facebook has shown me just how awesome she still is. She rescues puppies, writes books about animal behaviour, and is just generally one of the coolest women on earth. Another does exceptionally cool work in the tech field and is a pure pleasure to be around. Another was my best friend growing up and I have to say that I miss him terribly and all of the crazy stuff we used to get up to.

In the end, it isn’t Paganism or Wicca itself that is evil. It is just that it attracts people who are polar; either very good or very bad people. The very bad people feed off of the very good people, and so goes the dynamic of really any organized religion. Like it or not, that is what Wicca has become. It has self-organized into this weird hierarchy that doesn’t make any sense, and nearly always puts the very bad people in charge. I believe that good can exist outside of that structure and that faith in the human condition rather than faith in pretend deities is really more of what life is all about.

So to all my Wiccan and ex-Wiccan friends, I know I’ve been harshing your mellow in the last couple of years. I just ask you to understand that what happened to me was bad enough that I just painted the entire group with the same brush for a while, and I am well aware that some of you are beautiful and unique under all that stuff. I still think Wicca in southern Ontario is composed of a nest of vipers, criminals, and pedophiles but those of you that don’t participate in the drama or stupidity are awesome.

I recently reread “The Vampire Lestat” and thought it was complete ass on the second go round. However, it had many things that the current popular vampire series completely lacks, such as plots that make sense, halfway decent writing, and a complete lack of glitter.

1. Bad Writing

While most English majors would argue that most bestselling fiction is poorly written, I would be the exception to that rule. I find clear, concise writing that people actually read to be more valuable and worthy than expertly crafted metaphors that nobody will understand. Yes, Ulysses by James Joyce is a masterwork. Will anyone else but a lit freak appreciate it? Probably not.

Starting from the point that I think Stephen King is awesome, sweet Jesus on a Popsicle stick, the writing in Twilight is godawful. I mean barfingly awful. I mean so horrid that I wouldn’t wipe my ass with it for fear that it would give me literary AIDS. Holy fucking shit.

2. Weak Female Lead

While I get that Bella was supposed to be an everywoman that every horny teenage girl could identify with, damn that girl was one weak lady. There’s been enough said on this on other sites that I won’t go on about it, but Twilight’s Bella makes the happy hooker in Pretty Woman look like Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3 – the one where she shaves her head and jokes with hardened prisoners.

3. Bella Spends Entire Movie Needing a Ventolin Mask

The amount of hyperventilation, breath-catching and cut-off words coming out of that actress should have seen Edward flying her to emergency to be seen by a respiratory technician, not inviting the obviously sick Bella out to play fucking baseball.

4. Sparkling. Fucking. Vampires.

When I first heard that the vampires in Twilight glittered in the sunlight, I laughed for about a minute straight. Then the person who told me had to convince me that they weren’t joking. Then, I laughed harder. The movie reaches an orgasmic comedy point when Edward reveals his sparkly boy-chest, especially since someone in the world is supposed to think that his barely post-pubescent body is supposed to be made hotter through the use of glitter. Hey, dumbshits, the last time I saw gratuitous use of glitter on men, it was at a drag show in Toronto. Just saying. Which brings us to the next point…

5. Edward is Straight? For Real?

Um…. no. From my first look at young Robert’s impersonation of the doomed young vampire, my gaydar was klaxoning out of control. I can only imagine that Bella’s blood smells so good to him because she’s been bathing in the pee of Adam Lambert, Brad Pitt, or whoever the boys are loving these days for the past ten years of her life. Their hormones have then seeped into her DNA, thus making her attractive to Edward.

6. Nobody Notices that We Live in a Freaking Mansion and Drive Impossibly Expensive Cars.

My parents grew up in a small town. If someone in that small town had the kind of amassed wealth that was evident in the Cullen compound, they would be the subject of endless town gossip. It wouldn’t matter how far back in the woods they lived, someone would notice the Mercedes SUV in the sea of Mercury Topazes and say “Hey, I wonder how those rich folks got all their money!”. Since vampires don’t seem to have powers of mass human persuasion in the Twilight world, there goes that explanation.

7. Fighting Involves Gyrating Like a Hooker About to Score Meth

Twilight’s vampires seem to have perfected a mode of Kung Fu known as “Sexy Fighting” in which they grind and gyrate like they are at a vampire bar while trying to kick the living snot out of their opponents. Which would be disarming if their opponents weren’t doing it too. I wasn’t really sure if Edward and the baddie at the end of the first movie weren’t going to kiss after hissing at each other and making snarling noises. In real life that would have totally happened.

I’ll come up with more, I’m sure, if I can manage to choke down the entire series. That is, if I want to devote precious hours of my life to complete brain rape.

Here’s the thing, GG. I’ve been really good this past year, volunteering my time to help people set up their websites, working hard, and generally launching my writing career into the stratosphere. That took a lot of work.

After all that work, GG, I think I need a break. I mean, if you took one look at my Economic Action Plan, you would know that I am the type to get things done. If by getting things done you meant shopping.

So, Your Majesty (I’m too lazy to look up the honorific, plus I am on extreme cold medication), please grant me a proroguing of my life until March. This much needed break with coincide well with the fact that I know I’ll be winning the lottery in that month.

Awaiting your answer with bated breath, I remain,

Common Canadian in Need of Proroguing.