Here is the real story to dating in Toronto, without the gloss.

1.  All Toronto Women Are Bitches.

That was a capital B, fellows.  And ladies.  Because yes, even the dykes I have met in Toronto are complete, and total bitches.  Hands down.  If you ask a woman out on a date in Toronto, you are lucky if she doesn’t pull out a gun and shoot you right there (could this be the real reason Miller is thinking of banning guns in Toronto city limits? Hmmm….).  Any meaningful relationship with a Toronto woman will go something like this:

Toronto Bitch:  Jeeves, bring me my fur.  And not the real one this time, I’m going to a PETA event.

Man:  Yes, ma’am.  Right here.

Toronto Bitch:  I SAID THE FAKE FUR, ARE YOU FROM FUCKING WINNIPEG YOU RETARDED MORON.

Man:  Sorry ma’am.  It won’t happen again.

Toronto Bitch:  Good, because if it does I will feed you to Conrad Black’s wife.

Man:  NOOOOO!!!!

2.  Everything In Toronto is 10x the Price of Stuff Everywhere Else.

Toronto may have a million restaurants, nightclubs, and things to do.  The harsh reality behind this is that if you live in Toronto, by the time you pay for your rent, your utilities, and your Metropass, even with that 100K a year job, you are eating Kraft Dinner and watching people walk by on the sidewalk below, having fun without you.  Unless you get a million credit cards, in which case the debt that you will be in will lead you to a death from drug and/or alcohol abuse sometime in your late 30’s.  Enjoy.

3.  Women In Toronto Are Frigid.

Remember that song “Cold As Ice”?  Foreigner played in Toronto and tried to get laid - then they wrote a song about it.  For some reason, women in their late 20’s are worried about being perceived as “sluts”, which is staggering considering that most Toronto Women have Careers and can therefore do whatever the fuck they want.  What they generally want to do is impress their bitch friends with the length of time that they can string some poor fucker along.  You are that poor fucker.  And no, being a fucker doesn’t mean you get some - you are just being called “that poor fucker” while they laugh at your plight over a round of cosmos with maniacal bitch laughs that make the witches in Hamlet look like angels in comparison.

4.  Gay Men Have WAAAAAY More Fun.

Have you ever got the niggling feeling that gay men in Toronto are having far more fun than you are?   That is because they are.  If you could find it anywhere in your being to play for the other team, we suggest that you at least try, if only for the sake of your own happiness and possibly getting a blow job before you need Viagra in order to perform the operation.

5.  If you have Money, You are an Instant Pussy Magnet

Now by Money we don’t mean that standard 100K a year job.  Uh uh.  By Money we mean a trust fund, an inheritance, a company or 5, and enough dough to keep a girl in Yorkville for a week without coming up for air.  When you are taking your date to a boutique hotel even though you have a condo by the Harbourfront, many women will fight over you.  Possibly to the death.  Because they are that shallow.

6.  Will I Ever Find True Love In Toronto?

No.  No you won’t.  Move.

Posted: August 1st, 2008 under State of Women.
Comments: none

I have been a plus sized girl for about 5 years now. What struck me most about the crossover was my suddenly limited clothing selection. I am now relegated to shopping at three stores, one of which is across the border from me in the US, which to my mind is ridiculous.

Of course there are more than three stores I can shop at; however none of them offer anything remotely approaching well-made and fashionable clothes.

I thought I’d try out a popular plus-sized chain to see what they had to offer lately – I bought one dress from there that was nice, but wasn’t anything I couldn’t have bought at an ethnic boutique, being an Indian style dress. Everything else was so hideous I even made a game with their sales clerk of making fun of it, which she actively partook in when she found out that I, too, hated the clothes she was selling.

A quick search on the internet to turn up the reason why this is was not forthcoming. Some plus sized women have pointed to fat discrimination as being the reason; I think it is just the patent shortsightedness of the fashion industry. They simply refuse to admit that the greater proportion of the population is plus-sized.

There is also the argument that most plus-size women fall within the demographic of 25 +, which means that they don’t purchase nearly as many clothes as the teen and young twenties set. Most of us over the age of thirty can point to at least two or three pieces in our closets that are over ten years old that are still in semi-regular rotation. I’m really just speculating here and would like to know what the reasons are.

If anyone out there can offer me a reasonable explanation as to why this is, I would love to hear it. I will be embarking on a campaign to contact major clothing chains and designers to find out what their individual reasons are for not making more decent clothing in plus sizes, and I will post the results here.

I should also give props to the three places that I shop at. So we have our demographics straight, I live in Ontario, Canada. I live close enough to Toronto that I don’t mind driving in, but frankly for selection and quality I’d rather drive to Buffalo or Niagara Falls, New York. The US has more selection for less money. That is a separate article in itself, but somehow a major metropolitan city like Toronto doesn’t have the same fashion choices for those of a middle class income as Buffalo – strange but true.

Jones New York – Factory Outlet

There are two Jones factory stores in my immediate area, both of which sell plus size fashions. I very rarely see bad quality clothes in Jones, and everything is priced right if you frequent the factory stores. Recent finds include a cool dress for $35.00 and two pairs of shorts for $40.00 – a very good sale was on at the time.

Laura Plus

While I can’t afford anything until it hits the clearance rack at this chain, the choices are upscale and always gorgeous. The buyers for this store are truly gifted and have put together an incredible offering. Staff at Laura stores have told me that regular sized women often go away disappointed that the Plus offerings are not available in their sizes, they are so well designed.

Liz Claiborne
While there are Liz Claiborne stores in Canada, I find that they just don’t have the selection and pricing that the one at the Niagara Falls Outlet Mall in New York has. The plus size section at this store takes up nearly half of the floor space, and I find it hard to spend less than 200.00 whenever I go there (which given that dollar amount is only a few times a year at the most). Definitely worth the drive and of course you can pack in a little sightseeing or hiking on the way home. The venerable Liz Claiborne died last week, and was a pioneer in bringing excellent plus size fashion to the market.

I have shopped at all other stores offering plus sizes in Canada and am amazed at the consistent lack of quality offerings and mumu-ish fashion mentality that pervades most of the middle class chains. Lately, in response to mainstream style trends, there have been a plethora of flower prints that should not appear on any plus size woman, ever.

I hope that major clothing chains stand up and take notice eventually that their profits are running off with people like Jones, Laura, and Liz who figured it out a long time ago – larger women still like pretty, sexy clothes. These clothes can be designed and produced cheaply enough that women will still be able to afford to buy them, albeit in Laura’s case on a clearance rack.

Posted: June 9th, 2008 under State of Women.
Comments: none

As women today we have a host of opportunities for education and careers that our mothers couldn’t even really dream about. And yet, as showcased by the pablum that we continue to lap up, we would still prefer to work at a job doing nothing, wear fabulous clothes, and be “rescued” from single life by a fabulously rich guy that resembles a pit bull. If I were the heroine from that hit show, I would be asking:

What the hell is wrong with women today?

I constantly hear stories from my male friends about how shallow and demanding their girlfriends/wives/dates are. What has made us into this choir of shrieking banshees? Is there a gene in the female that needs to never be happy with what she has?

I will come right out and say it – we want our rights, but we don’t want to work. You have to admit that women had it pretty damn easy for years, when all they had to do was raise kids and make sure that a good meal was on the table. The world of “Desperate Housewives” is what the girls in “Sex In the City” aspire to, a perfect suburban dream where the majority of ladies do not work, but can bask in luxury daily.

This is the dream that we are being sold, that hardly ever becomes a reality. Even if it did, we should at the very least have an education and career to fall back on if things should go wrong, which often does happen in that rarefied world.

One more question I need to deal with - why did I even really care that the female characters in this show ended up to be simpering idiots (even Samantha, who is stricken with cancer in return for her strong female character decisions - thanks Republican script-writers!). Most likely because this show ultimately promised to be something different. In its first couple of seasons, it was. In the last season, we were taught how to attach ourselves to men, and how other men could save us from unsavory men that we attached ourselves too. Gey.

As kitschy as it is, most middle-aged guys would still much rather run off with a 20-year old in a hot sports car rather than stay with old Mum – this has happened to 2 people I know, and I imagine all of you out there with friends in the 35-45 age range have heard the same story.

What do we sacrifice for that dream? Frequently, ourselves. Basically, if you want to live in that world, you must train. You must at the very least get a degree so that you can make intelligent conversation at PTA or volunteer board meetings. Women who are fat or ugly should immediately take up a profession, as this dream is not for them. Basically, you must become a high class prostitute, because that is exactly what you are if you go for this lifestyle.

Now wait before you start screaming. I am writing here of people who aspire to this lifestyle rather than people who happened to fall into it – there are some very good relationships out there, I am sure, where the lady stays home and raises the kids, mostly because it doesn’t make any sense to pay daycare and/or a babysitter while she goes to work. No, I am speaking here only of those ladies who set out to net a man, dropping perfectly good men along the way, who can sustain them in this lifestyle.

One thing that I learned when I was dating was the richer the guy, the bigger the asshole, and the more perverse the needs. Not that I minded perversity, but I did mind the rude comments to waiters, the failure to do things for me like open doors (you can’t blame a girl for being a little old-fashioned), and a general lack of consideration or respect. This is because women are throwing themselves at these guys, and they can afford to be dicks and still get said member somewhat stinky. It got to the point where if I found out that the gentleman in question was a lawyer or some other high-sounding profession, I didn’t even want to bother with him.

However, most women would have killed to be me, having a shot at the “bigtime” of motherhood and a sustained lifestyle. That said, I return to the main question of what the hell is wrong with women. I said women today, because we have choices. Yes, we can actively choose to be well-rounded, caring people, instead of high-class hookers by another name.

Personally, if a guy walked up to me and offered me a carefree life of luxury, I would scream and run the other way. Why? Because I take pride in the fact that I am a successful individual, with my own needs and desires, that I will fulfill before even thinking about someone else’s. That’s not selfish – that just makes sense. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself in that kind of lifestyle anyway.

I am not saying that everyone should be as proud as I am. Sometimes a situation is too tasty to ignore, particularly if you happen to be in love with the guy in the bargain. However, you should always have something to fall back on. If you don’t have a degree, use his money to get one. If you find yourself washing lipstick off of collars (or more commonly, erasing chat logs of internet conversations), you can then quite glibly tell him to fuck off and find something and/or someone better for yourself. There is a saying that I read in one of those usually stupid inspirational passages that has stuck with me for life:

“plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers”.

Basically what this means is that we do not need someone else to validate our existence, unlike all of the characters in Sex And the City.

Posted: April 21st, 2008 under State of Women.
Comments: none

I was wondering when the anti-feminist backlash would hit.

Then I read “AskMen.com”.

OK, granted, a lot of women fit into the spoiled, selfish, insecure and jealous stereotypes that the dating section of this site makes them out to be. The only problem with the theories, systems, and tips on this site is – they don’t account for the women who aren’t like that.

When I was dating I know I was the somewhat hapless testing ground for some of these theories. I would date a guy once, feel like there was no interest, and then he would start calling me or IM’ing me out of the blue like he really was interested. Coming from the school of mixed signals = potential bipolar syndrome, I usually didn’t give these guys a second chance. I think these systems are designed for men who love shallow bitches and want to trap them into a relationship, like a hunter with prey. And that is somewhat laudable, because a woman who thinks that she can treat guys like crap regularly deserves to have the tables turned on her.

How many guys who aren’t looking for these types of women are using these techniques and bombing consistently with kind, caring women who are normal? That’s my question about the tips offered on this site. Are men really so scared that women think that they are superior to them that they have to resort to guerrilla dating tactics to find their one true love? I prefer a chivalrous knight to a sandanista dating warrior anyday, and I am sure most women out there agree with me. Even the bitches.

I guess the target market for this site is 18-25 year olds, who aren’t really thinking about anything past their fly for the moment. Which is fine. The more, the merrier, in my view of the world. For my part, I probably don’t understand the other side of the fence, which seems like an easy place to be for me. You go out with friends, you see a nice girl, you talk to her, take her out on a date or two, and you have your fun. This site takes that seemingly simple sequence of events and turns it into a weird version of the “Art of War”. Don’t women overthink this stuff enough? Do men have to start doing it too?

This overcomplication of dating for men has a few profitable sidebars – the clothing industry benefits, the male grooming industry benefits, and a few billion are made off of the insecurity of men. Actually, viewed from a marketing perspective, “The System” is positively brilliant. Make men think that they are macho and in control of the situation, but at the same time program them with the insecurities that overthinking the dating situation always leads to. The style guru in “Wag the Dog” couldn’t have come up with a more pervasive conspiracy to increase the consumption habits of the previously unconcerned male.

When I met a guy that didn’t have any ulterior motives, didn’t try to hide anything about himself, and didn’t put on an act to be a player, I fell in love with him. I think my advice to all of you guys out there who are trying to find a lady is to slow it down – stop overthinking – and start being yourself. You will be amazed at how many genuine women you actually do attract. More importantly, the crazy ones will leave you alone because you are no longer systemizing them.

Lets not forget the dark side of “The System” and the women that it is aiming for. Crazy women press charges. Yes, they do. They really do. I am willing to bet that if you practice “The System” long enough, you will end up with paternity suits, rape allegations, and generally everything that a genuine crazy chick can throw at you. Is it really worth it to get your dinky stinky a little more often than the average Joe?

My other concern is that feminism has fostered this kind of reaction from the mainstream male. To me, feminism is about being treated like a guy would be treated. To the writers of AskMen.com, it is a very scary and emasculating word. Why? Probably because crazy psycho women portray themselves as feminists and ruin it for the rest of us. This is the most deeply troubling aspect of this site to me. Equality for women across the board will never exist as long as men have this stereotype stuck in their heads. Women have become the enemy, the trophy, the prey. In fact, dating to these guys just seems like a giant PVP session with real emotions and sex as the weapons to use, rather than a +4 Ogreslayer. And that is just weird.

Posted: March 22nd, 2008 under State of Women.
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