A Bit of My Life » Dating in Toronto - Part 2, The Real Story.

Dating in Toronto - Part 2, The Real Story.

Here is the real story to dating in Toronto, without the gloss.

1. All Toronto Women Are Bitches.

That was a capital B, fellows. And ladies. Because yes, even the dykes I have met in Toronto are complete, and total bitches. Hands down. If you ask a woman out on a date in Toronto, you are lucky if she doesn’t pull out a gun and shoot you right there (could this be the real reason Miller is thinking of banning guns in Toronto city limits? Hmmm….). Any meaningful relationship with a Toronto woman will go something like this:

Toronto Bitch: Jeeves, bring me my fur. And not the real one this time, I’m going to a PETA event.

Man: Yes, ma’am. Right here.

Toronto Bitch: I SAID THE FAKE FUR, ARE YOU FROM FUCKING WINNIPEG YOU RETARDED MORON.

Man: Sorry ma’am. It won’t happen again.

Toronto Bitch: Good, because if it does I will feed you to Conrad Black’s wife.

Man: NOOOOO!!!!

2. Everything In Toronto is 10x the Price of Stuff Everywhere Else.

Toronto may have a million restaurants, nightclubs, and things to do. The harsh reality behind this is that if you live in Toronto, by the time you pay for your rent, your utilities, and your Metropass, even with that 100K a year job, you are eating Kraft Dinner and watching people walk by on the sidewalk below, having fun without you. Unless you get a million credit cards, in which case the debt that you will be in will lead you to a death from drug and/or alcohol abuse sometime in your late 30’s. Enjoy.

3. Women In Toronto Are Frigid.

Remember that song “Cold As Ice”? Foreigner played in Toronto and tried to get laid - then they wrote a song about it. For some reason, women in their late 20’s are worried about being perceived as “sluts”, which is staggering considering that most Toronto Women have Careers and can therefore do whatever the fuck they want. What they generally want to do is impress their bitch friends with the length of time that they can string some poor fucker along. You are that poor fucker. And no, being a fucker doesn’t mean you get some - you are just being called “that poor fucker” while they laugh at your plight over a round of cosmos with maniacal bitch laughs that make the witches in Hamlet look like angels in comparison.

4. Gay Men Have WAAAAAY More Fun.

Have you ever got the niggling feeling that gay men in Toronto are having far more fun than you are? That is because they are. If you could find it anywhere in your being to play for the other team, we suggest that you at least try, if only for the sake of your own happiness and possibly getting a blow job before you need Viagra in order to perform the operation.

5. If you have Money, You are an Instant Pussy Magnet

Now by Money we don’t mean that standard 100K a year job. Uh uh. By Money we mean a trust fund, an inheritance, a company or 5, and enough dough to keep a girl in Yorkville for a week without coming up for air. When you are taking your date to a boutique hotel even though you have a condo by the Harbourfront, many women will fight over you. Possibly to the death. Because they are that shallow.

6. Will I Ever Find True Love In Toronto?

No. No you won’t. Move.