Jan
01
2010

How Doth Twilight Sucketh? Let Me Count The Ways…

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I recently reread “The Vampire Lestat” and thought it was complete ass on the second go round. However, it had many things that the current popular vampire series completely lacks, such as plots that make sense, halfway decent writing, and a complete lack of glitter.

1. Bad Writing

While most English majors would argue that most bestselling fiction is poorly written, I would be the exception to that rule. I find clear, concise writing that people actually read to be more valuable and worthy than expertly crafted metaphors that nobody will understand. Yes, Ulysses by James Joyce is a masterwork. Will anyone else but a lit freak appreciate it? Probably not.

Starting from the point that I think Stephen King is awesome, sweet Jesus on a Popsicle stick, the writing in Twilight is godawful. I mean barfingly awful. I mean so horrid that I wouldn’t wipe my ass with it for fear that it would give me literary AIDS. Holy fucking shit.

2. Weak Female Lead

While I get that Bella was supposed to be an everywoman that every horny teenage girl could identify with, damn that girl was one weak lady. There’s been enough said on this on other sites that I won’t go on about it, but Twilight’s Bella makes the happy hooker in Pretty Woman look like Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3 – the one where she shaves her head and jokes with hardened prisoners.

3. Bella Spends Entire Movie Needing a Ventolin Mask

The amount of hyperventilation, breath-catching and cut-off words coming out of that actress should have seen Edward flying her to emergency to be seen by a respiratory technician, not inviting the obviously sick Bella out to play fucking baseball.

4. Sparkling. Fucking. Vampires.

When I first heard that the vampires in Twilight glittered in the sunlight, I laughed for about a minute straight. Then the person who told me had to convince me that they weren’t joking. Then, I laughed harder. The movie reaches an orgasmic comedy point when Edward reveals his sparkly boy-chest, especially since someone in the world is supposed to think that his barely post-pubescent body is supposed to be made hotter through the use of glitter. Hey, dumbshits, the last time I saw gratuitous use of glitter on men, it was at a drag show in Toronto. Just saying. Which brings us to the next point…

5. Edward is Straight? For Real?

Um…. no. From my first look at young Robert’s impersonation of the doomed young vampire, my gaydar was klaxoning out of control. I can only imagine that Bella’s blood smells so good to him because she’s been bathing in the pee of Adam Lambert, Brad Pitt, or whoever the boys are loving these days for the past ten years of her life. Their hormones have then seeped into her DNA, thus making her attractive to Edward.

6. Nobody Notices that We Live in a Freaking Mansion and Drive Impossibly Expensive Cars.

My parents grew up in a small town. If someone in that small town had the kind of amassed wealth that was evident in the Cullen compound, they would be the subject of endless town gossip. It wouldn’t matter how far back in the woods they lived, someone would notice the Mercedes SUV in the sea of Mercury Topazes and say “Hey, I wonder how those rich folks got all their money!”. Since vampires don’t seem to have powers of mass human persuasion in the Twilight world, there goes that explanation.

7. Fighting Involves Gyrating Like a Hooker About to Score Meth

Twilight’s vampires seem to have perfected a mode of Kung Fu known as “Sexy Fighting” in which they grind and gyrate like they are at a vampire bar while trying to kick the living snot out of their opponents. Which would be disarming if their opponents weren’t doing it too. I wasn’t really sure if Edward and the baddie at the end of the first movie weren’t going to kiss after hissing at each other and making snarling noises. In real life that would have totally happened.

I’ll come up with more, I’m sure, if I can manage to choke down the entire series. That is, if I want to devote precious hours of my life to complete brain rape.

Written by admin in: Politics |

3 Comments »

  • Nachfangen

    I love this review.

    Haven’t read the books, haven’t seen the movies. The entire concept of vampires as ‘white knight’ heroes is utterly repulsive to me. This whole modern lean toward vamps as ‘cool’ is, to say the least, unsettling.

    Glitterboi vampires? *ROFL* I had to read that three times in three separate reviews before I would even believe it. *chokes on laughter*

    On a lighter note, did you know that the actor who plays Eddie *HATES TWILIGHT AS MUCH AS YOU DO*?? Unfortunately he got suckered into the contract before he ever read the series.
    Talk about not doing your research…

    Good work, good review. I’ll toss your link to friends so they can laugh too.

    N.

    Comment | April 21, 2010
  • corn-n-beans

    I was compelled to find how one would come up with the so called “fresh idea” of glittering vampires and turns out the author had what most developing boys have…a wet dream. Before I could trick-smack about the series, I trudged through the book and painfully waited for the movies ending. Needless to say, in my opinion, this has almost killed the vampire genre. If there’s any good to come of this is that this nauseating series gives any and all would-be authors hope of there stuff ever being published.
    Oh yeah, and did I yet mention Twilight sucks big, floppy donkey testicles? *throws the lifeless book out window and lands in neighbors dog-shat blotted yard*

    Comment | August 25, 2010
  • Lestat is the ultimate vampire, he’s the reason why I adore vampires. LOL. Anyway, Lestat is a character written by Anne Rice and he appears in books such as Interview with a Vampire, The Vampire, Lestat and Queen of the Damned. Edward Cullen is a vampire created by Stephenie Meyer who is a “vegetarian” and is in love with a human. lol I love it.

    Comment | December 20, 2010

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