A Bit of My Life » Life After Cancer

Life After Cancer – A Spouse’s View

I didn’t go through the fight. My body wasn’t under attack. But I have felt every blow, every hard step, and every emotional feeling that you could possibly feel along the way. My guy always is saying it must be much harder for me than it is for him, but I really beg to differ.

When he first got on the cancer support chatrooms, he discovered that a lot of significant others/wives/husbands/whatevers leave their partners after finding out that they have cancer. I have to say that this could possibly be the most horrid thing about the human race that I have found out this year. To even imagine leaving someone who is just about to go through the worst experience of their life, unless of course the relationship is dead anyway, has to be the most insensitive shit I have ever heard. I was watching a documentary on Freud the other day and at the end of his life with cancer, he preferred the company of dogs to the company of people. I have to say I agree if people like this even exist!

That being said, it hasn’t been an easy experience. The one thing I took away from Lance Armstrong’s book on his personal battle with testicular cancer is the sentence “Cancer can do one of two things to a relationship. It can bring you closer together, or drive you further apart”. We have often repeated this saying to each other in jest because it just sounds so fromage-ridden. However, it is true that we have grown much closer together (of course Lance Armstrong ditched Kit and started banging Sheryl Crow – I have assured Doug that if he does that to me I will kill him, making all of the cancer-curing a moot point! Violent? Yes.)

We have definitely grown closer together throughout this whole ordeal. Through the dark times when we didn’t know if his tumour was resectable, which would have dramatically increased the odds of his death, I often caught myself wondering what life would be like without him. The answer I kept coming back to was “what life?”. I couldn’t imagine it. I didn’t want to either. I just kept on going with the attitude that we had the best medical professionals possible working on his case, we didn’t live in the US so we weren’t doomed to bankruptcy from the health care bills, and he was happy and taking on the world even through his fight. He just had the best attitude ever. He didn’t stop doing things because of the cancer (although working in and training for a trade was limited by his treatment) and he just lived life to its fullest.

Right now he is in the ICU at St. Joseph’s hospital recovering from the surgery, which did leave him with the loss of his left phrenic nerve, but most importantly ensured the loss of his cancer. Every day he focuses on making his breathing better, and I have told him this is his only priority now. I will handle everything else. Of course, handling everything else has its own stresses, but they are minor when I am faced with the fact that I will be with this man for a long, and healthy life. There will be no funerals until it is really time for them.

How does this affect my work? It has allowed me to put problems in perspective. Unfortunately the stress level has upped my “BS Meter” to the point of no tolerance, but this hasn’t exactly been a bad thing. In fact, I think everyone should develop their “BS Meter” to that lofty height wherever they work – it takes a lot of stress out of every area of your life when you call bullshit when you smell it.

My biggest personal struggle outside of this has been quitting smoking. I enjoyed it casually when drinking or occasionally after work (and I told everyone at work that I quit so they wouldn’t know I was as stupid as I look – I just didn’t need the – you guessed it – bullshit) and of course that immediately ramped up to ½ pack a day level with the stresses of this year. You would think quitting smoking for your boyfriend who will have breathing problems would be a given – try doing it when you are under this much stress. The patch helps, but I have days where I would gladly rip my eyes out of my head as well.

For those of you living with spouses who have cancer, all the advice I can give is just act normal. Go about your lives like you usually would, because this fosters an upbeat and positive attitude that will really help your spouse get through their recovery period. Watch funny movies like “Napoleon Dynamite” and “The Producers” (original Mel Brooks – if your spouse is a guy, he will VERY much appreciate the Olga-go-to-work scene), and anything with Jack Black. Keep the depressing shit out of your life. Cut out the negative people around you and only hang with the people who are upbeat and just as willing to take this just as normally as you. Make crass jokes like “Oh, what, does he have cancer?” when a work colleague calls in sick. Sick humour is really fun right now.

That being said, there are financial problems to consider. Your spouse will be out of steady work for a long time. They need to focus on their treatment and recovery, and working WILL get in the way of that. Most employers will not give a crap that you are having a downer day due to the previous day’s treatment of high dose chemotherapy. Your spouse will be tired a lot of the time and will not be able to handle regular household chores. You will have to take out the garbage, make dinner, do all of the dishes, and be freaking happy about it. The way I look at it, I can crash and burn when this is all over, but while it is going on I have to be there for my guy. That is the most important thing right now and you can never forget it.

Family and friends will help during this time of need. They will cook for you, have you over to their homes for dinner, lend you money (and for everyone who did this, thanks, and you know you will get it back) and generally be there for you. For people like me who have done everything for myself, this is sometimes a little hard to take, but you have to keep in mind that it is only a temporary condition and you will be able to repay these people threefold when you are in a better position.

Our lifestyle change was kind of hard as when we met, we were both making good money, had low living expenses, and could generally do whatever the heck we wanted. Over the last year, our credit ratings and lifestyle have certainly taken a hit, but we know we will be able to get everything back on track in no time. Life is good again, and this whole experience has showed me just how important it is to build up a nest egg and buy insurance.

That is another thing. If you live in Ontario, EI benefits only cover you for so long. After EI runs out, short-term disability kicks in and it can take up to 4 months to apply. There is essentially NO SAFETY NET for long-term disease recovery periods in Ontario. None. My recommendation for everyone who reads this article is run, do not walk, to your nearest possible insurance provider and make sure you get yourself a disability policy that covers recovery periods from long term care. We are currently living on my income alone and while that is feasible, it is hard and would have been made better if we had an insurance policy to cover this sort of thing. Student loans, car payments and so on are not forgiven for these periods and they still need to be paid.

Enough tangents – Doug is cancer free and ready to post his next batch of crazy antics on the internet any day now. I can’t wait to have him home, and I love him with all of my heart.

[Note – this was written 2 years ago when Doug was still in the hospital – he’s been cancer free ever since]