Dec
17
2009

What Kind of Internet Commentor Are You?

Which of these categories do you fall into?

The Helpful Commentor
This person points out mistakes with varying degrees of hostility. At the helpful end of the sliding scale, they are really trying to help you out by correcting something. At the other end of same scale, they are telling you in no uncertain terms that they could have done it better than you while outlining exactly how.

The Cheerleader
Everyone’s favourite commenter, this is the person who loves what you do. This person gushes over your good stuff and gives you a mild clap of the hands even when it’s total shit.

The Digger
Generally male and in the 15-25 demographic. Whether or not they try to bury your story depends entirely on the amount of sex they have had in the preceding week. If they have had the proper amount of sex, they wouldn’t be on Digg to start with, so we’ll assume 1-2 times a week gets you off the hook with this guy.

The Rapist
This person does not set out to read your story. No. They set out to pick it apart and try to anally rape you with a scorching commentary that inevitably gets the rest of the commentors to jump to your defense, unless you’ve written a massive piece of ass, in which case you were ASKING FOR IT, you hussy.

The Virgin
Not a virgin in the usual sense of the word, this person loves or hates your piece so much that they bust their commenting cherry on your post. Only the very best and worst posts can bring out this shy little wallflower. Other commentors are usually gentle with them, except the Rapist. They can smell Comment Virgins a mile away and they pounce on them like starving jackals, when they are finished with you of course.
The Expert
This person knows the subject you wrote about ten times more in-depth than you do and isn’t afraid to let everyone know it. In fact, that is why they are commenting. They will generally drop names, dates, and places that they couldn’t possibly have been in, as they were probably levelling their Warcraft character to 80 instead. The great thing about the internet is never having to have an alibi.
Example:
“I was at Steve Job’s house, his suits were miraculous and his minions showed me around”. (TRUE COMMENT)
The R-tard
You’re talking about a web concept like social media marketing and this guy is going on about elevator pitches and how your world just doesn’t make sense to anyone over the age of 40. They’re right, it doesn’t. That’s why you’re getting paid the big bucks to write posts about it and this guy is working in customer service for Verizon, bitterly drinking himself to sleep every night after spewing vitriol on the internet.

The Conspiracy Theorist

You’ve just penned a nice missive on something benign like eco fashion trends and this commenter goes on about how fashion was the creation of three-titted aliens who are trying to eat our brains. These commenters are part of what makes the internet so fun.
Mr. & Ms. Random
This character is frequently a spam poster from a second or third world country who is being paid two cents a day to write missives such as “nice post! I didn’t understand it until midway through, now it is sense. Post more?” That last sentence was somewhat unrepresentative of Mr. Random’s comments as it was slightly coherent.The Friend Commentor
You have told your friends not to comment on your posts because it looks lame when they do. You’re completely right. However, something has posessed the hands of your friend to write something teary like “OMG I am so happy to see you doing so well, you are such a good writer, MWAH LUVS YEWS”. Pray that you have admin rights for this one so that you can erase this monstrosity before it sees the light of day.

The You Commentor
What an inspired company blog you have there. Too bad it is blatantly obvious that you are posting things like “Good Job!” and “Nice Work!” because all of the comments are from “admin”. Awkward.

Written by admin in: Internet |

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